The Dissolving of My World
I am sure if you are reading this you have been wondering what happened between Rune and I.
Just two months ago, I was engaged and then out of nowhere I am in an open relationship with a new guy.
This blog will be a summary and exploration of what happened in Rune and I’s relationship and the current dynamics in my life at this time.
Just to give you a quick preface, this situation as an empath has been my worst nightmare. The universe is so multifaceted and mirroring that anything that is held within your consciousness will be exposed into the physical to be enacted. First there is a vibrational note: a thought, then it turns to feeling, then externalizes and ripples into your environment to be experienced.
Whether you hold a dream in your mind or your worst nightmare, all aspects of those currents will be moved into reality. Any untruth will be placed in front of you through what appears to be separate from you, to be unveiled and pierced to reveal the light. And if you are open then your reality will be ripped open, burned away, so that the brightest representation of God can be embodied through you in this lifetime.
The idea of breaking a heart or hurting someone’s feelings has been my biggest fear throughout my life because I can feel others’ emotions so deeply. Seeing someone else in pain I can often completely feel their full range of emotions; with them, as them. Now to even imagine being the one inflicting the pain is so unbearable. Although I cringed at the unfolding of these events this situation has turned into the most ecstatic embodiment of my dreams I could have ever imagined.
Who would have ever imagine that I would find the closest representation of my soul group two weeks before I planned to get married to what I believed to be the love of my life?
Soul groups or soul families may come from different backgrounds, bloodlines and cultures but hold the same life mission imprint or calling in life, similar energy imprints. On top of this mission is also the means of how they go about offering this gift or essence in the world. Although there is no difference between any of us in the highest dimension, human beings have core vibratory signatures each a stream of the one infinite. We each choose to hone in on this essence and this gives each being a specific “feel” about them. Some may feel more earthy, some cosmic, some a mixture.
Entering into the dissolution of my reality all started with doing a manifestation practice. I laid down on my bed closed my eyes and created one of the biggest waves or energy imprints, the truest picture of embodiment of self I have ever placed into the field. I pictured myself and felt myself completing embodying my mission here and what that would feel like. Completely clearing my vessel to this realm in the highest way possible. After the manifestation practice, visions I had back in February of this year started flooding back in. I saw the planetary grid being ignited, vortexes pulsing, electromagnetic surges dancing across our ozone layer and grounding into Earth’s atmosphere and humanity itself. I started planning The Lion’s Gate Global Meditation and in a dream the first person who came to me about this project collaboration was Bentinho Massaro, a spiritual teacher of non-duality.
I put out a status on Facebook to see if anyone knew how to get in contact with him. Bridget Nielsen, my new soul sister from Sedona, responded saying she knew of his assistant’s email and she would pass on a letter I had written about the project. I didn’t hear from Bentinho for almost two weeks around the beginning of May because of his engagement with The Sedona Experiment. Then he invited both Bridget and I to his place to hear more about the project. We arrived after a dusty red rumble down a long dirt trail amongst the labyrinth of the Sedona vortexes. “Welcome to Heaven”, he said walking down the sunlight laced terrace with his open arms inviting us in each with a hug and a warm smile.
He was different than I had imagined. I did not know much about Bentinho Massaro other than his influence and ability to proliferate any reality he wanted into physical existence. So different from many spiritual teachers who live minimalistically, his philosophy seemed liberating and expansive. I expected him to be rigid and inaccessible. He was a combination of strength and softness, wisdom and innocence.
First seeing him I didn’t have any romantic feelings or attraction but his field was so strong it was overwhelming and intriguing to me. I immediately felt a desire to work together in some form. After he had finished swimming he listened to my presentation and then shortly after Rune and Bridget’s partner Patrick, joined the gathering along with a few more of Bentinho’s friends.
I remember staring into Bentinho’s eyes at some point at the gathering and feeling this vast emptiness, a magnetic pull into the void of space and time. I remember thinking,” He must be lonely being able to feel and see so many differing densities with no one to share it with.” I couldn’t shake the feeling, like he was one of the most profoundly lonely people I had ever met and he did n’t deserve to be. Somehow this vortex of curiosity and care opened in my heart for him. I felt like I knew the place he perceived the world through.
The four of us (Bridget, Patrick, Rune and I) stayed at Bentinho’s for a few hours and then gathered afterwards at Bridget and Patrick’s house. Afterward Rune and I drove back home to Phoenix. That night while asleep in bed with Rune, I had a dream similar to what people describe as an ayahuasca journey. All of my dream started blending into a rainbow myriad of fractals constantly enfolding into one another. I felt all of the experiences I had ever had, all of the emotions in my entire life blending into that fractalized mandala.
Have you ever had a dream when you dream of falling and right before you hit the ground you wake up? This was a similar feeling. I woke up at around 1am in an instant, breathing heavy with this strange feeling as if Bentinho was in my room but also even stranger as if he was looking through my eyes. It has been the one of the most intense psychic experiences I have ever had to date. I needed to write him, spirit was letting me know.
I slipped out of bed, grabbed my phone with the intention of being a friend that was not afraid of being completely honest and transparent. All my life I have felt this overflowing feeling of love toward those who feel like they don’t fit in; the wanders, the black sheep and the odd man out. I feel like I have the ability to help people who find it hard to assimilate here on Earth. I wasn’t sure if anyone in his community would tell him this or ask about it.
“How could someone who teaches others how to become everything in creation feel alone?”, I thought to myself. The curiosity consumed me, I needed to find out if what I was feeling was true. I needed to find the reason for this insatiable energetic magnetism between he and I. Why were our realities blending?
My fingers seemed to fly over all the letters on my phone keyboard as I texted in a wild fury, “ I can feel your channel to source is strong and that you can deeply sense the subtle currents of life! So beautiful to witness. I hope this isn’t too probing or penetrating, after all we did just meet but I have to say that I felt in your field some sadness or loneliness, these aren’t the right words in particular but close to it. This was very subtle but I can feel your heart is evolving in some way or that it is going through some sort of evolution.”
He replied,” Thank you. Yes, loneliness is a profound part of my experience. It’s not sad though but the sadness you picked up I do understand what you sense. It comes from a combination of subtle balances. I can tell you more about it some day in depth in person. It would require more knowledge to be shared of my journey and the states I experience.”
Every night for about four nights, I would wake up at around the same time with these same intense feelings, the same psychedelic dreams. Bentinho and I continued to feel each other in the field and the potency was starting to compound. Rune being so connected to me as well was feeling the shift, he and I started having conversations about how to go about exploring this energy dynamic between Bentinho and I. I was determined that I had found the love of my life in Rune and was confident at the time about feeling the purity of alignment in the soul mission I had with Bentinho. I completely and wholeheartedly believed we were only supposed to work to together because Bentinho and I’s soul essences were so similar but our lifestyles were so different.
Where Rune and I shared a combination connection in the cosmic or Astral realm and the Earthly realm, it was always a challenge for me to meet Rune in the density at which he chooses to operate in the physical plane. This density is what gives him the ability to see illness in others and morph the elements to heal people’s bodies, including mine. Where we met was a dense and rich Earthly-Astral terrain that allowed for his essence to heal my vessel, my womb on a deep level through sexual energy and physical touch.
Although, there was so much emphasis on making love being the entrance way into karmic release and merging with God or the Divine, that anytime that Rune and I were not touching each other or in sexual union there was a lapse in the astral union or soul connection that would express as a subtle frustration. I could not quite meet him in my everyday reality and because of this we argued continuously for five months before I met Bentinho, mostly about how I was in the astral too much and how I needed to integrate more into physical reality. All of my energy instead of focusing on my mission was going into making the relationship work and since I am a mission-based being, I felt like I was physically dying, constantly getting sick and my body going through extreme changes but I could not figure out why.
Bentinho and I started talking about the nature of the mutual pull we both felt, we talked about me working with him and also having a non-sexual soul merger exploration. He explained that the highest form of energy information exchange between two beings is through a polarity. The polarity creates a distinct magnetism that is often mistaken as sexual attraction but the magnetism arises when an exchange of any sort of healing or completion is called into the field between two beings to understand themselves as more complete or one with God, as God.
Rune and I had a conversation about Bentinho and I having time, just the two of us, to sync into this co-creative space that had been emerging. Rune being as courageous and intuitive as he is, hesitantly agreed and then claimed the day for himself. Rune decided while Bentinho and I would meet up, he would go to Thunder Mountain in Sedona to perform a ceremony to invoke more of his soul expansion and abundance.
The three of us had lunch together, crying in gratitude for Rune’s understanding, I hugged Rune with all my love and then got into Bentinho’s mustang and headed to his house. As we speed through the winding red rocks with the roof down, the wind whipping through my hair, I felt again the potency of Bentinho’s field. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel any sexual interest but the interest in who he was as a being was all-consuming. I was completely surrendered and enamored by his presence. I wanted to know what lense of perception he viewed the world through to make him feel so incredibly expansive and powerfully penetrative yet completely vulnerable and open-hearted.
We arrived at his house and sat down in his living room on this lush couch with what seemed like hundreds of pillows immersed in the color of red terra cotta, the light streamed in through the windows making particles in the air dance. I sat across from him, the warmth of the sun hitting my face and as I peered into the vastness of his etheric blue eyes, there was a peace that I had only felt in a time when I transcended my body that washed over my entire system. We stared into eachother’s eyes and time seemed to completely disappear. Without a word spoken we stared for more than two hours straight. It felt like my physical body had completely dissolved and that we had entered a transcended state where we were the entire universe as one.
When I left, there was a huge feeling of disorientation, like I had been offered two alternate realities and needed to make a choice. All I knew was that I still wanted to be with Rune because of my love for him but I had never experienced being so close with someone before in my entire life.
A few days later we were invited to a birthday party for three of Bentinho’s team members at his house in Sedona again. We decided to go the night before so the three of us could talk more about the dynamic. I will never forget this night, as the three of us soaked in Bentinho’s hot tub we looking up at one of the clearest skies I have ever seen since New Zealand. Shooting stars streamed almost endlessly across the sky as we all spoke.
It was time to get real in our communications. Bentinho expressed his reluctance to do so because of the ripple effects he could sense his observations could and most likely would have on the existing structure of Rune and I’s lives. He said he always feels honored by, as well as resistance to the times where the Universe puts him in a position where he seems to be the only person to see what’s missing or what is redundant about a certain dynamic which carries importance for the outcomes of the lives involved. He shared that one of the strongest laws he goes by in his work is to not infringe upon another's’ free will. Being put in a position where the clarity is asked to come through his perception, expressed through his mouth, causing effects in the lives of others is always a dubious position for him and the human part in him still occasionally has a difficult time being Shiva, the destroyer of worlds and illusions, in these situations even when he knows that the calling to be a channel for something to be seen by the people involved is pure and true.
Rune responded that he welcomed the honesty and that Bentinho can feel free to speak what he sees. This seemed to help Bentinho settle into what he was about to share, since Rune’s free will clearly spoke that the information was welcomed.
And so, reluctantly and with great care and with a sort of playfulness at times, Bentinho explained to Rune and I how he could see that Rune’s essence and mind were very physically grounded compared to mine. He added that Rune had offered me a great amount of physical healing but that because of my love for Rune even if I was hurting because I was not being met in the etheric realms, I would never choose to leave Rune because of my loyalty to our union.
Bentinho shared that he saw that my soul’s origin and mission were somehow coming from an incredibly high place, its execution in this world being of great value and importance, and that it would take me much longer to fully express my soul mission--my True Self--and consequently support millions if I chose to stay with Rune because I was changing my belief structure on how to manifest to fit Rune’s design and not my own. He said that although it would be possible for Rune and I’s dynamic to change to the point where this soul stream of benefit would be able to come through me and my relationship to Rune, it would be highly improbable because both have such essentially distinct orientations energetically.
The effort of changing one another’s path just out of attachment to a relationship or comfort would be a waste of precious life force. He did not at this stage insinuate that him and I should be together instead, but did say that he could provide the environment both energetically and physically that could first heal and then support and empower my essence to come through into the physical very rapidly, which he seemed to believe was invaluable to the planet at this time of great transition. He said that because he sees and knows so clearly where I come from, that he could see the things and belief systems in my life currently out of alignment with that higher parallel version of myself.
This was a hard pill to swallow for both Rune and I, there was this eerie resonance with what Bentinho was saying for both of us, like we had always known at some level but unwilling to shine a light on it too much out of fear of losing the relationship and hurting each other. butAnd although we both wouldn’t accept it fully yet after this hot tub chat,. Yet, the first chip in our romantic illusion had been made.
The birthday party itself was even more intense. The trajectory of dissolvement was speeding up. After days of going back and forth between two very distinct parallel realities and versions of myself, I felt like I needed to slow down the acceleration of it all! I decided that I needed space from both Bentinho and Rune, I told them both that I was going to spend a week with Rune without any communication to Bentinho and then a week completely to myself.
Within two days into this agreement Rune and I decided to drive to Sedona. We went to our favorite place to eat Chocolatree and as we entered the magical garden in the back of the restaurant around the corner sitting in lotus position was Bentinho. My heart jumped, I immediately felt pulled between Rune and Bentinho again. Rune and I were meeting with a few friends from Sedona. After spending time with friends, Rune decided to go talk to Bentinho, they talked for two hours. Bentinho offered for us to stay the night at his house again because we didn’t complete everything Rune and I had original came to do.
We both ended up staying for two nights and within that time, I finally started purging old false beliefs that had been causing me to feel like I was physically dying. It started becoming too confronting for Rune and I. Rune decided he would go to San Francisco and give me a week to stay with Bentinho to figure out what I wanted.
I felt like terrible person staying but there was a subtle form of relief from the constant pressure that gave me the ability to relax into the unfolding. I slept separate in the guest bedroom and every day and night for three days I cried endlessly exploring what my higher self and my heart were wanting me to do. Although there was the chaos of becoming my worst nightmare, it was slowly starting to become more and more apparent that I was holding onto an idea of what Rune and I’s relationship was and not the reality of the situation. The more I loosened my grip on picking the reality with Rune just to be the “good guy” the more I saw how much pain and suffering I had been experiencing for the past five months just out of love to make it work with Rune. I began to see that if I chose a decision to be with Rune purely to not hurt him, that was the most selfish thing I could do because it was not authentic to my higher self which is ultimately the connection point of all things, all of creation.
As soon as I saw this my heart broke into what felt like a thousand shards and turned into itself like a black hole vortex. Like being sucked into a black hole, my current reality was being disintegrated, torn apart and reformed. I mourned and moaned as the pain ripped through my entire system, so deeply it felt like it was seeping into the depths of my bones, the core of my being. I was breaking all ties, all agreements, concepts and ideas about my reality with Rune, all timelines were being wiped and realigned. Rune and I felt each other in the field without a word we decided on the same day to break the physical and karmic bond together. We connected the next day and talked about everything.
Rune two weeks after this decision to go separate ways decided to move back to Holland to be with his family and create a solid foundation for his work. Rune and I are still in communication but Rune also takes space when he needs it. We are transforming and transmuting this with love and forgiveness.
With an invitation from Bentinho, Kane and I have moved into his house in Sedona. I had quantum leaped into a new reality. I literally felt like a different person, one who had been missing for years. I had been returned back to my original innocence and was given the space to expand into that essence. How would people ever be able to understand this jump into a parallel reality?
Many people would and are going to call this “spiritual bypassing” or not understand this ability to jump realities because it is a rare ability to be able to do seamlessly with no “rubber band effect” or karmic backlash. But it is my opinion and observation that our perceptions and beliefs structure our reality. Therefore if a false belief is eradicated that has been generating a specific reality, replaced instead by an empowering belief with complete clarity and intention for the highest good for all, then the old way of being or reality can be shifted in an instant rather than needing months or years of processing with karmic cycling.
“If you can change your belief system instantly you jump on another grid, where you are the new person with a new belief system. And you don’t suffer from the ‘past you’.” - Bashar
I will have to write another article about my current reality and trajectory that has been created. So much has happened within myself in this divine union and acceleration with Bentinho. For example, I am writing this after an incredible trip to Europe where I was in service to many along side Bentinho. I have never felt so in love and aligned in my entire life. My purpose and mission in life has been reignited. I am open, clear and ready to be of the highest service to humanity.
If you are curious about Bentinho and I’s co-creations check out our The Lion’s Gate Retreat in Sedona this August 6th to the 9th or read Bentinho’s blog “The Ultimate Marriage” about our divine union and merging!