The Biggest Lessons I Learned from Dating Bentinho
Many of you have asked me in my personal messages and comments on social media,
“What happened between you and Bentinho?” “Why did you split up?”
The answer I gave you through a YouTube video in May was the tip of the iceberg of why the two of us are not still a couple.
I wanted to write this because there has been what has seemed like a major split between the people who follow my journey here on Earth.
This is a pretty long article, for anyone who is wanting to get the main points ,
I have put them in highlighted quotes!
One part of the people are “Empaths” looking to understand their initiatory path of how to empower their extra-sensory experience, understand their gifts and find clarity about their mission on Earth. The other half of these people are from Bentinho’s following who have a background in his “Self Empowerment” and “Self Realization”, the majority who found out about me from my “Mary Magdalene Transmission at the Baarlo retreat 2017.
The majority of what Bentinho is teaching in his Self Empowerment and his “Disclosure” based teachings, where I feel he is translating his version of universal truths I mostly agree with. It is the way that he applies this “higher knowledge” with his “following” that does not sit well with me. The way he applies his teachings in a very non-compassionate way has always made my heart-centered core contract.
With that being said, it is my last wish that I would cause any harm to Bentinho or his company in any way. This is not an article to create a wave of hate or an anti-Bentinho movement. I just knew in these few months after leaving Bentinho, that I had to write from my heart. I needed to write this for my own peace of mind, to maintain the integrity to myself and to just be honest with each of you.
There are ways that I am thankful that Bentinho was a “Dark Knight Principle” as he would call it, in my life. I don’t think I ever would have had the “hard knocks” in such a rapid delivery to snap me awake to my own gifts, my own value or worth. So I am grateful for the experience to be so close with Bentinho. I know I called this into my existence for a reason and that reason was to unmask the invisible.
Since he usually does not do well with any opposition. I can foresee that sharing my open opinions with all of you most likely summons a well anticipated fall out with my previous lover, colleague (for a time) and friend, Bentinho. I am interested to see how he will respond.
Maybe some of you are probably wondering, “Why haven’t I written and released this article sooner?”
Before being with Bentinho, I have tried to be truly transparent as much as possible with my entire life with all of you.
I was advised by Bentinho himself throughout our relationship that he did not want me to release any information without his review and editing, whether it be blog, video, or otherwise. He did not want any specifics of what we were doing daily or anything that I was learning in the relationship dynamic released, without him seeing and approving of it’s release first.
He told me he believed that I was likely to misrepresent, misunderstand or distort what was happening in these intimate interactions with each-other and in his inner circle. I found this to be absolutely puzzling and frustrating throughout the entire relationship yet maintained my loyalty until the end of our “romantic relationship”. It is my opinion, then and now, that the truth will defend itself. Therefore there should be nothing to hide.
None the less because of his request, my insecurity at the time and the idea of breaking his trust. I have been silent for so long. Until Now…
However, just as I promised I will never release certain pieces of information to the public just to uphold respect of my promise to both Bentinho and his long time girlfriend and my friend Allison. I do still care for both of their well being deeply. I just simply don’t agree with Bentinho’s paradigm of how he operates personally.
Bentinho and Trinfinity, just like most “high profile people or organizations” love their privacy. His argument he made with needing to review everything is, if any facts are disclosed and then manipulated by the media or a hate group, it could put him or his loved ones in imminent danger.
This heightened secrecy following the “Shakti” article claiming Bentinho Massaro to be a cult leader. If you are unaware of this reference, this article was released in November of 2017, in the online magazine called “Medium”. The article was an over exaggerated portrayal of Bentinho and his community. I do agree with some points that have been made but it was extremely over biased to paint Ben as a monster instead of talking to the complexity of the situation.
Now that I am out of Bentinho’s community and the relationship container. I am wanting to continue that same level of transparency and authenticity throughout my life.
It is my belief, that transparency is how we all actually grow together. If we continue to coat our truth in secrecy, in a delightful presentation, if we keep showing up to the “masses” the way we would like to be seen rather than exactly where we are and who we are, then we will most likely stagnate or at least grow slower in this process of evolution together.
I really believe we are in this all together. We are all on this One planet, here to come to know ourselves as the One.
Throughout the article I will be listing the lessons I learned as my “Dark Knight Lessons” since my alias for Ben-tin-ho is my “Dark Knight”.
Dark Knight Lesson #1: Always speak your truth. Literally, no matter what.
Meeting Bentinho Massaro, the behind the scenes of the beginning of our relationship.
The real reason I got together with Bentinho.
This section is to give a “behind the scenes” look at what happened at the end of the relationship between Rune and I, and the beginning of Bentinho and I’s relationship.
If you would like to know how Bentinho and I met, read this article,” The Dissolving of my World” first. Okay for this next part, I will just summarize as best I can the main points throughout the relationship.
I had a project where I wanted to create a mass meditation on The Lion’s Gate 2017, Bentinho Massaro was the first person I wanted involved in the project. I was able to organize a face to face interview with him at his house in Sedona.
When I first met Bentinho to my surprise the first thing I noticed was this vast sense of loneliness in his system. Being an “empath” allows me to glimpse the more subtle emotional energies people often hide. They are more apparent to me. To me he felt like a deeply misunderstood soul, that was my first interpretation in my mind. He felt like he understood so much but he couldn’t share it with anyone.
This was so foreign to my own personal experience of this realm is exactly the opposite of existential loneliness, the majority of my experience is constantly filled with the feeling of absolute awe and saturation in the love of all of creation. I feel so incredibly grateful to be gifted a human vehicle as a soul on Earth and I feel myself and see myself in everyone and everything!
When I came to Bentinho’s house, he was having a pool party. There was this air of being grandiose, he was living in this huge house with a pool in one of the most sacred parts of Sedona. There was this huge lure of this world of “fame and fortune” that had been created from what seemed like at the time this mastery of the “Law of Attraction” teachings. But something seemed off, when I witnessed his friends and his community, everyone seemed either disoriented, spiritually lost, and emotionally unhappy. It seemed as if, everyone was constantly looking to gain Bentinho’s approval or insight, hanging on his every word, passing every action so they could be worthy in his eyes. It felt very strange, there was this awkwardness or unnaturalness to how everyone was behaving around him. So much so that it was hard for me to witness. My heart ached inside for these people and Bentinho.
I thought to myself, “No wonder this guy is feeling constantly lonely! Everyone has put him on this pedestal and no one sees him as a person.” The Irony, I had no idea at the time a huge part of his teachings was about how “we are not human”.
I started thinking to myself, “If what I was sensing was correct, I just wanted all of these people to know that they are not lost. That the home they are searching for is already in their heart. The source of all was already within them and not in Bentinho.”
I immediately wanted to “help” Bentinho, I wanted to be a possible first “true friend”. A person that wasn’t there just because he paid me or just because I thought Bentinho would teach me how to transcend to another realm beyond creation! Unlike what I felt in the others who were there because he represented something they could get. I wanted to just be there “just for him”, I wanted nothing in return (at first) but to be able to “help him”.
I knew I had what I call “Priestess Codes” which are just the ability to be a physical representation of the feminine energy in this universe. This gives men a physical representation of aspects they have not yet developed or explored within themselves.
I wanted to be a place and representation for Bentinho of nourishment, of feminine knowing, so that he would integrate how to hold himself in the physical.
I wanted to share with him the wonders of Maya, or “this illusion” as he would call it. How to work with the psychic realm more intimately. I wanted to be the inspiration for Bentinho to finally start taking care of his body. For him to be able to actually take time for himself. (He was rarely ever alone) I wanted him to know that their awakening was not always his responsibility. To be less penetrative and more conservative with his role.
The way this came through me at first was that I truly only wanted to be Bentinho’s friend. I felt like a soul sister to him. Someone who had been attracted into his life to bring benefit, to help round out his super penetrative hyper-masculinity.
I remember him telling me the first day we met, that “our meeting” inspired him to live past fifty, since he saw no other reason to continue to living beyond that age before meeting me.
My heart melted for his intentions but I could see his crumbling paradigm of unsustainability in the meantime. I never said any of this to Bentinho upon first meeting him. I never had the courage or felt the space from Bentinho to be open to anything I would advise. That should have been my first red flag that I was not allow myself to be myself.
At first our interactions were slow going. They were through WhatsApp alone. Bentinho offered me a job to work doing something in his company.
At this point, I was seeking him out of my curiosity to know more about this existential loneliness that I had felt in him and that I had witnessed in so many yet rarely experienced myself.
Things quickly escalated with my consistency and willingness to seek out and to meet Bentinho. I started initiating conversations more after I would get woken up at early hours of the morning thinking of him. He started mirroring my desire, but instead of friendship becoming more and more subtly intent on the interaction between us being possibly a romantic connection. I grilled him sufficiently at the time.
I had everything I wanted in Rune as a partner. Being with Rune was like returning home to one another. No one had ever met me or known me the way that he had. Rune was also such an amazing father figure for Kane, actually involved on an emotional level for Kane in ways I had never seen before.
At that time I knew for sure, I just wanted to be friends with Bentinho. But that quickly shifted when Bentinho one day explained that if I were to stay with Rune, I would not shift to a higher level of consciousness because Rune was of a lower frequency. That if I were to stay with Rune I would most like get sick, physically sick.
This hit my biggest vulnerability and worry in life, where most want to exit this realm for relief of it all, it terrifies me to think that I would leave this world without completing my “mission”.
My ears perked up! Because of the stress of starting my own business, I had been losing a lot of weight and had been ill right before meeting Bentinho. Whether Ben knew it or not, he had confirmed my biggest fear. I started to completely question my relationship with Rune for the first time ever.
Bentinho told me that Rune and I separating was for the highest good. That sometimes you have to be what is called the “dark knight principle” which looks like the “bad guy” to everyone else but is actually operating for the highest good for all. Ben told me that if I would leave Rune and would be in a relationship with him (Bentinho), I would be able to expand into my ability to reach so many who needed exposure to “my essence”. And that if I was letting down one guy (Rune) that would be worth it for the millions of lives I could potentially aid. He told me I deserved to take some time off and for Kane to be supported, so that once I was well rested, I could help the world.
I felt ultimately HUGELY conflicted. I knew in my heart Rune was the love of my life, my partner in shine. He has met me on the inner realms deeper than anyone I have ever known. But we were struggling financially, the stress from trying to “make ends meet” was weighing on me and I started to really consider that validity of Bentinho’s words.
I wanted my mission to come first most of all.
This is where I feel my “Priestess” lineage was activated as well. I knew I had the potential to aid Bentinho even though I was not in love with him but since I have been a “sacred prostitute” in the past many times, this sacrifice seemed natural to my trauma body. (Now I know that these “codes” were areas I needed to heal.)
I thought to myself, “I am willing to sacrifice my own experience of “true love” if my sacrifice will help heal the world in some way.”
I wanted to be able to love him. Not only for the healing I thought I could impart to Bentinho but because I started to believe that I would not complete my mission if I wasn’t with Bentinho.
I thought if Bentinho would be even curious or capable enough to meet me where I would like to “go” in the realms of lovemaking. And if he would be willing to at least be in Kane’s life to provide parenting somewhat. I would consider the relationship with Ben. My heart opened to the idea more and more. There was this HUGE seduction of the grandiose life he was living, because of the financial struggles that Rune and I had been going through. I wanted to find comfort in the lifestyle that Bentinho would provide. I started considering bending the integrity to my heart path to be able to experience his way of living. I started thinking of the millions of people we would affect, we could be this “power couple” and the amazing lifestyle we could have together.
But I was still conflicted internally, I put Bentinho through a series of questions about being a father specifically. He answered all of them diplomatically. I could see that Bentinho would not be an active father involved in Kane’s life the way that I would ultimately want but I knew he would provide Kane with the care that was needed. I knew that Kane would have me as his main constant and for me at that time that was nothing new. Before Rune there was no one that had bonded with Kane the way that Rune and Kane bonded. After nine years of single parenting and absolute exhaustion. I thought to myself that I needed to be with Bentinho to offer myself healing.
I started to seek out Bentinho more and more exclusively. I started to question Rune’s level of “spiritual awakening” or being able to “meet me”. I thought at the time that I would know if I just had a week alone with Ben living with him. I also started thinking that if Bentinho and I were “right” for each other, I would know if I could have sex with him, just once.
Rune could no longer support the levels at which I was starting to make myself available to Bentinho, understandably so. Rune felt he had to honor himself by breaking up with me and leaving the situation entirely.
Kane and I moved in with Bentinho immediately after. Bentinho invited me to Europe to a festival in Sweden, a quick speaking event in London and to his retreat in Baarlo, Netherlands.
Dark Knight Lesson #2: Never fall in love with the idea of a “Potential Partner” that you can “preen” into existence to be your “Perfect Partner”. Start a relationship with someone who you fully and entirely align with straight off the bat!
Dark Night Lesson #3: Never “Sell Yourself” for the idea of gaining Fame, Money, Safety, Power, Recognition or Influence. Your heart path is always more of a worthy path.
The No Mind Festival in Sweden - I gave away all of my power in hopes to awaken further.
In Sweden, Bentinho had opened to me in ways he did not throughout the entirety of the remaining relationship. We had created this simulation of telepathic communication. It seemed we were merging consciousness. I thought he was opening to receive me.
One day in the afternoon of The No Mind Festival in Sweden Bentinho had went to lay down. I put my hands on his heart and as usual, I felt this merkiness and fogginess around his heart. I started to imagine immense light filling his chest, clearing the fog.
Bentinho started to cry, I held him in tender silence.
Later, I asked him what had happened, what had made him cry? I wanted to know what he had experienced. To me it looked like a healing or a cathartic release. I told him what I had envisioned around his heart.
He went on to explain that he had assumed being a person that needed healing because that is what my consciousness was projecting and needing in that moment. He then said he thought it would be better that both of us not assume that we were there to heal the other. This way we would not end up “playing the role of the healer”for one another. This seemed extremely healthy to me, to finally drop all need to “fix or heal” one another. Little did I know this would all change within a matter of weeks.
I would be the one that was needing his reflections on where I had been severely “distorted”. And yet anything that I saw in him to be a distortion he would claim was merely a “projection” from my own consciousness needing to be played out for my learning.
It was ten months of complete obliteration of everything I knew myself to be. His justification being that he knows what is the highest for all, including knowing what is best for me. This included a disconnection from my source of my own heart’s true knowing. What now looks like an attempt by Bentinho to be the highest authority in any and all situations. Although it was refreshing and beneficial to at the time willingly to drop everything I knew. It was also disorienting towards the end because there was no guidance from his teachings to my own inner guidance, I was always advised to look to him or his teachings.
Dark Knight Lesson #4: Respect Free Will! Never extend your gifts to someone who has not asked for your gifts to begin with, even if you perceive it could “help them”. It is spiritual arrogance to assume that you know better than anyone else and what they need for their healing.
Losing Myself to “False Light”
Bentinho is great at the dissection of the human ego. It’s what the people seeking “Self- Realization” pay him for.
Bentinho in my experience, uses his finely tuned awareness from over fifteen years of devoting himself to “awareness on awareness”, he utilizes his gifts like a surgeon’s knife. He would use these “highly attuned” levels of discernment to evaluate a person. His closest followers are often eager to come to him to obtain, what he would later coin, “Distortion Readings”. This is where using this form of “awakened” judgement he would cut through the layers of what that person’s beliefs are, seeing all the ways a person is NOT seeing themselves as the creator.
He usually can do this in extreme accuracy when he is not personally vested, I will give him absolute credit in this department. Meaning usually when friends or followers come to ask him for this service, I have seen him be very clear in his delivery with a fair amount of compassion the majority of the time.
Now where I have witnessed this “distortion reading” become distorted, in my opinion, is in Bentinho’s personal life through what I directly experienced and witnessed being with Bentinho for a year. If you are any closer with Bentinho, whether it be coworker, closer friend or eager “disciple level” follower, there is a fair amount of distortion readings pouring out of Bentinho, even without being asked for.
To be in a relationship with Bentinho, he requires his partner’s, friends and close followers to have an absolute devotion to him because he himself has said he believes himself to be a symbol of liberation from the human mind and ego, he believes he is “an empty vessel”. Therefore it requires an extreme level of willingness to be constantly looking at where he is directing you to see where you are “out of alignment”. Anything that he does not resonate with, he sees as you trying to preserve “your ego”.
This process first started for me about a month into the relationship, I was told that I had never experienced “The Absolute” (the place he refers to as “higher and beyond God” or who you are outside of creation) therefore I could never completely see the truth of who I really was without first experiencing my “True Self” first hand. He said that I would know when I had reached this level of seeing or intuiting and that he would know accordingly when I had “reached it”.
I was told that I could never really know my “True Self” without dropping everything I knew, surrendering to silencing the mind and placing awareness on the witnesser. He offered me the choice to completely focus on “my awakening” and focus on the formless more in everyday life.
I was told that any bliss that I had ever experienced would be a drop in the ocean to me once I experienced what was beyond creation itself, once I experienced my “True Self”. At the time to be honest, I just wanted to know for a fact I had experienced my real self to qualify me enough to where Bentinho would see me as an equal, to where I could gain a sense of self guided authority once again and I trusted he would know and see when I had obtained this level of seeing.
But the more I searched for this “self”, the more I felt disconnected from who I knew myself to be. I knew I was losing my grip on my own ability to discern in life but I was told by Bentinho that, “you have to lose your original way of knowing the truth in the pursuit of the “True Self”. He was constantly telling me the majority of the “Jocelyn” I had come to know was an act merely for validation and affirmation in the world. And although this was supposedly the path to ultimate bliss and statelessness, I felt the most lonely and unaffirmed I have ever felt in my life. The majority of the relationship, I felt paralyzed by my lack beliefs and “negative” emotions which is completely unlike how I usually operate. On top of that when I would express these concerns or struggles, anytime I would express my own opinion, I was told it was my “ego’s” defense mechanism to try to survive. That the best thing I could do was to surrender to the “death of my ego”.
Two months in this seeking went even deeper, inspired by what he offered me in Sweden, a proposal of dissolving together into “The Absolute”. If you would like to know more go read his blog, ”The Ultimate Marriage - My 'proposal' to a woman as the Infinite”
He writes, “This 'inevitable inauthenticity' when others are in my field is something that I'm extremely familiar with as I naturally mirror and match the beings that I choose to meet and spend time with. It is only when I meet another fully empty essence that I can feel like myself in 'relationship to them' because in that state they carry no more separate individual assumption, and as such are me. There is no need for me to project myself as anything in order for communion with such a being to occur. Suffice it to say I have experienced this only once before in this life. It is rare.
It's like when you extend a hand to help someone get up. You extend your arm to meet them where they are at so you can assist in their ascendence. Without meeting them where they are, you will not reach enough into their reality for them to be able to perceive you and the choice that you represent which comes along with perceiving you.
Jocelyn has been my first partner with whom I have no doubt that if she so chooses, she could join me in my statelessness (emptiness of self) and not only that, but by doing so she would consequently somehow establish me in my statelessness more permanently, more fully, while my vehicles are still of/on Earth within this beautiful illusion. She would also consequently transmute herself by becoming her God-Self while still human.”
What it felt like from that moment on was that I immediately became his “Eve from Eden” project that he was determined to convert into a fully self-realized Demi-God so that he could finally lose this consistent sense of existential loneliness. In my opinion, this was so he could be able to feel more comfortable in his role here on Earth but this is just speculation. Because I believed I was a key to unlocking his relief on this plane of existence, I did everything in my power to be able to create this relief for him.
I was consistently blamed for my “personhood” being the reason for his inability to completely be himself authentically around me, to be in his “God-self”. And for the longest time I believed him, I believed that it was me that was causing him to have that experience.I felt constantly nervous and that I would cause a “disruption in the field”. When he would go into this interrogation mode there was always this sense of being a bother to him. I remember one time he said to me that my mind to him was like having “a fly in the room”. My “personhood” seemed to be an annoyance and a hindrance to his “absorption into the all”. To him my mind was constantly the barrier from being able to reach his level of seeing and being able to connect with him in the realm beyond creation.
The majority of the relationship, I felt paralyzed by my lack beliefs and “negative” emotions. On top of that when I would express these concerns or struggles, anytime I would express my own opinion, it was the “ego’s” defense mechanism to try to survive. That the best thing I could do was to surrender to the “death of my ego”.
I kept believing that there must be areas where I was believing I was not enough and that was what was stopping me from the attainment of “The Absolute”. He was constantly telling me the higher self I could be and how my consciousness was oriented in such a low vibration. I wanted to be able to transcend these “negative” emotions once and for all and meet him so that I could be his Beloved.
I started to follow every direction that Bentinho offered. The only people I allowed myself to associate with were people in Bentinho’s direct circle. I was told that he was a mirror and that any negative reaction from him was source working through him to illuminate where I was still believing myself to be a human being and not “God-Self”.
Kane was watched by a hired family practically full time, I stopped work as “The Empowered Empath” and committed to this path to come to know my “True Self”. Countless days and hours went into this, I stopped talking to all my friends, my family and devoted myself to knowing my “Real Self”.
I lost faith in my ability see anything as my truth. I started to believe that I was truly lacking as a teacher and facilitator. I gave away my inner knowing up to let him guide me, believing he knew more than I ever could. Finally believing he had seen more, experienced more than I ever had.
This core soul level disorientation is what caused me to reach out to him over and over again, as a source of light, I saw him as the only truth in this universe. Without the connection to my truth, my heart, my source, I felt I knew nothing. I had lost myself completely.
Now I must make this disclaimer to display both sides of the coin to this situation, that I experienced a large amount of soul growth from the submerging into this period of deep soul searching. Unfortunately, it is true that suffering is often one of the greatest catalysts for growth.
I think if I had not had the years of “training” from being in previous relationship dynamics that were similar to some extent in the manipulation tactics I experienced, I could have been more permanently traumatized and disoriented but luckily because of my years of focus on cultivating my core essence of identity in my heart, it has given me the ability to transmute the mental perplexity of this situation with a fair amount of grace.
I think that if I would have fully and consensually asked for this type of relationship it could possibly be consciously empowering but for the most part, I have no idea how this could ever be sustainable for anyone who is constantly on the receiving end of Bentinho’s rigorous standards.
Dark Knight Lesson #5: Be open to learn from others but never put anyone else as a higher authority than your own heart’s guidance. You heart always knows your truth.
The problem I have noticed in the Self Realization Community.
I agree with the fundamentals of Self Realization. The true definition from the ancient Self Realization teachings is the merging of the ego-self (which identifies with one body, one personality, one family, one nationality) with the Universal Self.
The main part I agree with is the universal truth that everything within creation is an illusion. But it is my belief that the most important part to emphasize is that the only illusion in this illusion is that there is ANY separation in existence whatsoever! Everything in existence is in fact made from the One Source.
This is of course an important notion for someone who only knows themselves within the material world to understand. Because they will think they are a merely separate human being living in a separate world and defined by their personal belongings, body and beliefs.
The original ancient teachings were creating these teachings for the purpose of material based beings being able to understand that material objects, including seemingly other people, and even our own body could never define who you really are.
But where the application of these modern teachings get cringe worthy and potentially damaging, in my opinion is where they start hinting at an anti-life philosophy which starts to propose ironically that you are a separation from source to begin with. Within this idea that “this is all an illusion” this world that we know and “you are not your body”, there is a rejection or lack of importance placed on creation, your body and your emotional processes.
In this community there seems to be a huge emphasis on the concept of spiritual transcendence which must be be constantly maintained. After you awaken you must constantly be experiencing the state in which you awakened or you have “fallen from grace”. It feels like in that community that if you do acknowledge your body or a certain belief, that you have suddenly “stepped out” of the greater alignment with “who you really are” and being fooled by the illusion.
I can see this dichotomized and portrayed in teachers like Ramana Maharshi as disturbing levels of escapism and separatism from their own human existence. Their teachings to me, feel like a rejection of life itself. Saying that because all of this is an “Illusion” we should place an unwavering focus on the “bliss of transcendence” which is the only real thing in existence.
Ramana although he had apparently been “absorbed in bliss” lived the rest of his Earthly existence with followers spoon feeding him while he lay on a giant coach staring off into space. Thousands of existentially overwhelmed seekers flooded to the foot of the mountain that Ramana resided, propelled just at the thought of never having to experience human pain again.
It is an easy thing to sell “Eternal Bliss”, specifically to people desperate for a break in their perception of an endlessly painful existence. Unfortunately this has been my experience with most everyone that I have encountered in Bentinho’s community, including Bentinho himself. Rarely have I seen anyone in Bentinho’s community actually sustainably fulfilled and on top of that, for that matter physically healthy.
I see people that are tirelessly seeking for a better life, they look to spirituality as a promise for a more bliss filled existence, one where there is no perception of pain. They are struggling everyday to just be “okay”, and this path is laced with the promise that as soon as they awaken to “The Absolute” they will be free from suffering forever.
But the major flaw is that these modern transcendence teachings are saying that “bliss” is somewhere else but here and now. That bliss is only true if it is in an emptying of the mind or a spiritual attainment or realization. Which ironically, in my opinion, perpetuates human suffering.
In my experience bliss is always here, it is not in any other place, time or dimension. I am not talking about experiencing joy twenty four seven. Untouchable bliss can be experienced even when my heart is full of sorrow because I am able to surrender and courageously accept exactly where I am. There is a gratitude for simply existing, for being able to experience pain to begin with. I find it isn’t the emotional pain itself that is the painful part of existence. It is when I am resisting the pain, that the pain becomes most painful.
How painful is it when you believe you are somewhere you are not supposed to be? That your pain is not “who you really are”? That you just haven’t reached it yet? But what if “it”, that place you are striving for, “that will finally bring you peace of heart”, was always right here, right now. In the acceptance of exactly what is.
This doesn’t mean complacency but really understanding that everything. I feel what I am talking to, is in truth the complete opposite. It is the radical bravery to face every aspect of existence as yourself. Full responsibility as the creator yourself. Seeing every part of life having reason and being thankful for that experience just through the blessing of existing.
If what the ancient teachings are saying is true, that you are everything that is. You are not ONLY your body because you are so much more than just your body, you are infinite spirit and yet you are your body because your body is woven into matter by spirit itself.
The Biggest Lesson I Learned from Being with Bentinho
Now looking back at the situation, I know the number one discernment to make is not whether the teachings a teacher is offering resonate with me. Most of what “spiritual teachers” and self help guides provide in their teachings, I agree with. Because anyone can relay universal truths from the thousands of resources available to be able to be learned and become memorized. Not only that but I feel it is quite easy these days to learn universal truths and spout them to the public without the teachings first being embodied, meaning known through direct experience. We live in a social media realm where very little of what we are living is actually seen by the public, there is very little accountability. It is very easy to get “hoodwinked” in this way because every being will resonate with those spiritual truths, they apply to everyone but not every seeker will have developed the discernment to be able to decipher whether the teacher is “walking their talk”.
Even more of an important key factor is that I know now to deeply feel, whether that teacher is aligning me with their “dogmatic path” of awakening that they have found through their own seeking. Or if through their guidance and teachings, they are not just spouting their own opinion through their experience but that they are holding the honor and respect to guide me to the greater alignment to my own heart’s truth.
Being a spiritual teacher and guide is the highest honor and as “self appointed teachers” we have a responsibility to the seekers in this world to not only guide them to their own inner knowing. It isn’t and should never be about the teachers themselves showing you what the truth is but if that teacher is actually illuminating your inner knowing. True teachers will lead you to this place of inner knowing. You know it to be true because you can start to sense this place of inner knowing with their guidance on your own and you can FEEL IT TO YOUR CORE. That is true gnosis, to know yourself, through your direct experience alone. To know God through your eyes. No one else can walk that journey but you.
True teachers know this and respect this universal law of self sovereignty.
The fact is most teachers are simply leading students down “their path”. The teacher has taken many years to develop their own awakening and these teachers often believe it is the one and only path for every being to awakening. They then encroach their perspective of how you should “awaken” onto you and your experience.
When in reality no being is the same in how or when they will awaken. The only similarity will be the persistence of dedication necessary to their own heart’s truth to be able to penetrate a unique embodiment of spirit. Even if the teacher is awakened and is speaking highly attuned personally applicable spiritual truths. If they are not guiding the student to the student’s own unique keyhole of perspective to awakening, they are highjacking and siphoning energy rather than being a true facilitator into the great mystery that would rightfully ignite a seeker into awakening.
How I can tell this in my subtle body now, meaning it is a very subtle shift in my emotional state. That after I have been in their presence, I feel more of “myself”; more empowered and more aligned to my inner knowing. The importance here is truly about whether that teacher is strengthening my own ability to discern what is true for me or not in this reality.
I realized that no matter how much that I or anyone else thinks they can see the path for someone else, we absolutely can not.
Only YOU can know truly what is true for YOU.
I placed all of trust in my being, to Bentinho and because of that I learned the greatest lesson anyone has ever taught me. Never believe that ANYONE knows better than when your heart whispers it’s truth to you.
Transmutation and Where I am now…
I feel now that no matter who it is, what “status” they have, whether it be a celebrity or person of influence. Through this experience I have the knowing that there is no person, no resource that could be provided that would ever be worth trading in the integrity to my own truth. This integrity is simply a feeling of “what feels right” for me in each moment. Nothing in this world could ever make me “sell myself” again.
I have also been working on my auric field, my light-body. Creating healthy boundaries which I feel is constructing a new field self sovereignty that I have never experienced within my life.
I have been working on having a balanced SIMPLE LIFE OF SERVICE. On a grounded level this looks like paying back my debts, really committing myself to my one and only relationship, having deep heartfelt conversations with every person I am close to, being on time to every appoint I promise to be to, doing a daily morning practice and going to sleep early, starting a savings account and getting a home of my own. Making space to finally hold myself entirely by giving myself what I need, LIVING HEART-FULLY.
I know that I have spent so much of my life focusing on understanding what is unseen in this world. I have put so much attention on the realm beyond the material world that I have not really developed or acquired any physical foundation for myself and in my life. As a “starseed”, I feel there is a completely different and equally important portion of mastery in this beautiful world that I have ignored. That ironically, is the skill needed to really create sizable change into this modern society!
I plan to take things easy, to go the simple steady route. Where I used to always looks for the fastest route to reach my goals, now I am modeling myself after the laws of nature. For example, any tree that grows fast yet tall can be easily knocked down by a strong storm that blows through because it’s roots are not deep. In comparison, the tree that takes it’s time to put down their roots grow to be strong, steadfast and resilient.
Practical, “muggle”- wordly, humble, delicious roots. Nourished, nutrient dense SOIL for me to plant all these seeds I have up in this head of mine to share with the world.